The day is nearly ended. I worked really hard today. I kept my mind occupied with things other than my "ab"normal thoughts. I really think I did well today - no slip ups.
See, the Lord knew what He was talking about when He said that our fight wasn't with flesh and bone but the principalities and authorities and the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil around us (see Ephesians 6).
I believe that those of us who suffer from actual diagnosed mental illness deal with those powers and principalities in a very personal way. Spiritual oppression is a hard line to walk. Before I came to Christ I just viewed it as my every day life. Just the way it was because of the cards I had been dealt.
It took the light of Christ, shining on my dark situation, to illuminate the fact that it is NOT normal for any of us to live in darkness. I am a Child of the Most High God. I am cleansed of my sins and forgiven.
I am still flawed because I am not glorified yet (that comes when I get to heaven!) I am merely being sanctified. So, my mind (damaged a long time ago by alot of dangerous situations and choices in my young life) is still having a hard time adjusting. I fight off bouts of crippling depression alot. More than anyone, other than my husband, truly knows.
So, I try to fight and I do this most of the time on my own. I forget to cry out to the King to come and save me. See, Jesus doesn't need my help in defeating the things that plague me. He can easily remove them with a whisper. However, He chooses not to. Now I must admit that in my flesh I get a little aggrivated at the fact that He won't just make it go *poof* away. I could dwell on it and get self-righteous and focused on me but then I remember that Paul had a similar dilemma.
He asked God, three times, to remove some ailment from him and the Lord said, "MY grace is sufficient." He didn't remove it.
Spirit focusing thought: Am I more important than the Apostle Paul or any other Joe Schmoe on the street that suffers w/depression? No. So, why expect God to remove it at my demand. Pretty arrogant of me if I do say so myself.
So, here I am Lord. Carrying the burden. I'll tie the pack a little tighter across my shoulders, get a good center of gravity under the burden and I'm going to keep pressing on because I know that You are in front of me, behind me and on every side encouraging me to go forward.
Maybe You'll see fit to remove this one day. Remove the need for meds. Remove the constant insomnia and irrational fears. Remove the ever present struggle to keep the blackness from enveloping me completely. Maybe not but that doesn't matter because You've called me to run this race with true endurance, eyes focused on You alone.
I think I did pretty good today. I'll start the race again tomorrow.
