Off To Dreamland

The day is nearly ended. I worked really hard today. I kept my mind occupied with things other than my "ab"normal thoughts. I really think I did well today - no slip ups.

See, the Lord knew what He was talking about when He said that our fight wasn't with flesh and bone but the principalities and authorities and the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil around us (see Ephesians 6).

I believe that those of us who suffer from actual diagnosed mental illness deal with those powers and principalities in a very personal way. Spiritual oppression is a hard line to walk. Before I came to Christ I just viewed it as my every day life. Just the way it was because of the cards I had been dealt.

It took the light of Christ, shining on my dark situation, to illuminate the fact that it is NOT normal for any of us to live in darkness. I am a Child of the Most High God. I am cleansed of my sins and forgiven.

I am still flawed because I am not glorified yet (that comes when I get to heaven!) I am merely being sanctified. So, my mind (damaged a long time ago by alot of dangerous situations and choices in my young life) is still having a hard time adjusting. I fight off bouts of crippling depression alot. More than anyone, other than my husband, truly knows.

So, I try to fight and I do this most of the time on my own. I forget to cry out to the King to come and save me. See, Jesus doesn't need my help in defeating the things that plague me. He can easily remove them with a whisper. However, He chooses not to. Now I must admit that in my flesh I get a little aggrivated at the fact that He won't just make it go *poof* away. I could dwell on it and get self-righteous and focused on me but then I remember that Paul had a similar dilemma.

He asked God, three times, to remove some ailment from him and the Lord said, "MY grace is sufficient." He didn't remove it.

Spirit focusing thought: Am I more important than the Apostle Paul or any other Joe Schmoe on the street that suffers w/depression? No. So, why expect God to remove it at my demand. Pretty arrogant of me if I do say so myself.

So, here I am Lord. Carrying the burden. I'll tie the pack a little tighter across my shoulders, get a good center of gravity under the burden and I'm going to keep pressing on because I know that You are in front of me, behind me and on every side encouraging me to go forward.

Maybe You'll see fit to remove this one day. Remove the need for meds. Remove the constant insomnia and irrational fears. Remove the ever present struggle to keep the blackness from enveloping me completely. Maybe not but that doesn't matter because You've called me to run this race with true endurance, eyes focused on You alone.

I think I did pretty good today. I'll start the race again tomorrow.

Lighten My Load, Lord

Today -

Not as bad as it felt yesterday. There is a fog in my head and my brain is thinking over what happened yesterday. I know that YOU are here with me.

I know that I am not . . . but I know the I AM.

I want fire, passion, excitement, and that jittery feeling in the pit of my stomach when I am awake. I want to feel alive and not just going through the motions of daily life.

Can You do that for me Lord? Just a little bit . . .

Lord - You still reach out

I write out my heart. Say on this page alot of things I've felt for a while.

I leave to get Dakota from track practice and as I am turning onto 271, the radio personality says: "Are you tired of being stuck in a rut? Going through the motions? Do you want to feel that fire?"

As I pull into traffic I try not to stare at the radio as I guide my silver car through the lights to the school. Then a song comes on the radio that is (without question) given to me for that specific moment.

I had a divine appointment. Right there in the middle of ordinary traffic, on an ordinary Wednesday after I dared to write what I really feel. A divine meeting with the Creator of the Universe, right there, just for me.

This might hurt, it's not safe

But I know that I've gotta make a change

I don't care if I break,At least I'll be feeling something

'Cause just okay is not enough

Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,

"What if I had given everything,instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time

I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind

Let Your love make me whole

I think I'm finally feeling something'

Cause just okay is not enough

Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,

"What if I had given everything,instead of going through the motions?"

("Motions" Matthew West)

And so, here I sit with my eyes on the screen. Scanning lyrics that a stranger wrote specifically for me? Maybe not just for me but I tend to think that.

So now what do I do with this information given to me . . . literally tossed in my lap from a Heavenly Father who must be smiling and shaking His head at me?

I know for sure the very first line of this song is so very true right now, "This might hurt, it's not safe" speaks to me in the right here and the right now of my life.

Dripless

I'm here today - possibly gone tomorrow.

My water is shut off - my spiritual fountain seems dry as well

My mind is stagnant - a spirit that doesn't seem to be moving either

I am in a place that I have been in a while - visiting old friends errr demons

Think I could melt into the center of the earth - taking my psychosis with me

I feel truly, utterly, impossibly, tragically invisible - truth not seen with the naked eye

The fishbowl has become too small - my tolerance, patience and kindness tiny in portion

My tongue feels like cotton in my mouth - words are sticky like spiders webs

Head pounds - heart barely beats

Fingers move of their own accord across the lifeless keys - me barely moving at all really

Moving through the motion of my life at a sloth's pace - feelings seem like molasses

Interactions less than desired - interactions always expected, no excuses

God, please not another emotion - God, please give me more emotion

I'm sick of your diseases - drowning in the side affects of my own

My inner self is diaphanous - delicately sheer tears threaten to fall

Could curl into a ball in this room - there is no room for "inactivity"

My reflection mocks me at every turn - Turning my eyes to avoid the expectation

I could die this lonely inside - my euology mocks me to wait it out

The roaring fire of the Spirit - merely a bleak smokeless ring of black inside

I have run so very far from it - I have gotten nowhere

Unsure of whose I am - tired of always trying to figure out my destination

My mind wanders to thoughts of how easy it could be - reality laughs and simply stares at me

I need ignition soon - combustable explosion is the only way to live

Rise like the mystical Phoenix from the ash - covering my head till all is gray

Where to now - waiting for a jump start to a dead battery

A spark - a jolt - a nudge - a sigh - a glimpse - a Truth - an embrace - a wholeness